Something I can't say

When they cut you up
and gut you alive
can you even cope
with what they unleash inside

I looked upon their faces while I was tied
and not one of them had an ounce of sincerity
or bravery in their eyes

I can't keep running away from all that I hide
when you see a speck of dust
pondering on it's way
can you even see it
could you ever relate

maybe I've just watched an hour pass by
perhaps I could tune in to the media's tide
or surf along the breezy skies
and see what information and entertainment lay within

Call me up a doctor I think I feel ill
not mentally or physically
but something won't let my thoughts or heart be still

how can I berate myself when I can love everyone else
why do I shy away in disguise
when I know they know me and most of what I hide

when will I be free from my own lack of dignity
or selflessness
cause sometimes you need to be selfish just a bit and take good care of yourself

but it's hard when you're a rotting corpse with people who just judge
there's no jury but my own yet I'm sentenced to life

breaking down my barriers with acid I can tell
it hurts too much yet I'm so numb to everything else

when I was child I thought everything was grand
but then a nagging voice came to mind and it had a plan
to keep me safe from others harmful words and actions
but it went too far and now I'm here locked in a car

there's no gas in the tank no charge in the battery
and I'm missing the key

the doors are rusted shut and the windows so fogged up I can hardly see

when they filet your organs and play your funeral song
it's your last dance on earth before you're another tombstone

now I sit here in the night awake and alone
I feel so empty inside I wish I could just go
I'm no fool and I'm no genius but I think if
there were two of us
me and myself
I'd still be alone
when zero and zero meet there's still none

so now I'm gritting my teeth and breathing
faster my heart starts beating
so I take another look and it's still bleeding

these things that pour out of me are feeding
and soon there won't be a shell
no void
no god
nor heaven or hell

I'll just be here in limbo with others like me
yet no matter the number we are all lonely

call me up a love that holds everything
I'll wait here for her to bring it back to me

I don't want any more routines
I just want spontaneity and love to flourish

I have trust and faith and it's not you who have brought me into the dark
see I've been wallowing in despair
but i saw in need so I put it aside to care
for you and anything that you wanted
cause that smile and those words were all I needed

now you've gone away yet you're still here
I feel your love faintly
your lips move but I can barely hear what your saying

guess it's test for me as much as it is for you
I'll keep my trust in you
and try to make a small light for myself
so you can see it through the window like a light house
I leave it on to guide you back around

less you find another that's brighter
then go ahead and travel over that next horizon

I just want you to be safe
just want you to be happy and okay

hold on tight I'll go for a ride
my emotions going everywhere
they do not know which way they''l go
so I'll take it until the last stop
hopefully I can nourish myself there
and get back to some kind of good health